One Gone
by Lara
Summary: What if Carol Hathaway's suicide was a succes?


Date: May 14, 1999 Title: One Gone Author: Lara E-mail: laraw@hgo.net Rating: PG STRONG LANGUAGE Category: Carol Hathaway Plot: What if Carol's suicide attempt if "24 Hours" seceded? In addition, what was going threw Carol's mind in her Last week? Spoilers: 24 Hours Disclaimer: The characters of ER are not mine, but belong to Constant C, NBC, and Michael Chrichton. The song in the back ground when Carol leaves work is Mary Chapin-Carpenter's "Middle Ground," off her CD "Shooting Straight in the Dark." The song Haleh sings at the funeral id Hanson's "I Will Come To You," from their CD "Middle Of Nowhere." I know it was not out in 1994 but, I like it and I am using it anyway. 

" We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Carol Elizabeth Hathaway. Carol was a friend, a nurse, a lover, and most of all a young women who died to young," speaks a priest. "Does anyone have anything they wish to share about Carol?" A man stands it is Mark Greene, "Carol Hathaway was a woman of great strength, she was in charge not only of the staff, but of her life. We may wonder what brought her to her tragic death, but, but..." Mark has to sit down cause he is crying so hard. Next Susan Lewis goes to speak. "Carol, was a friend and in the moment when she was brought into the ER.I knew by the look on her face she was in no pain, and that she was ready to die. I knew it was god's will that she die, painlessly, in that self induced coma." While each of the doctors and nurses, take a turn to say something about Carol. We see Doctor Douglas Ross, Carol's ex-boyfriend, and one of the major reasons she killed herself. He is in tears; he cannot find the courage to go into the church, so he just sits outside. 

A FEW WEEKS EARLIER. AN ENTIRETY OUT OF CAROL'S DIARY. March 7, 1994 

I HATE MYSELF. I WISH I WERE DEAD. Between Doug, work, and life. Doug is old news. Work the county screwed the nurses over in the budget again. I had another fight with my mom. I HAD MY LIFE. Wouldn't suicide by easier. I MEAN IT, DEATH OVER LIFE. I'm going to try to tell some one. I don't know whom. Maybe Mark, or Susan, or Lydia would listen if I ask her to. There is always Div Cvetic; he could get me help. Any of them would listen. Tag, maybe I'll tell him. He'd help me. Maybe I will tell no one, I will just go home some night and kill myself, I don't know. 

Yours, Carol 

March 8, 1994, A PHONE CALL WITH Douglas Ross. 

Carol: Hello, Miss Hathaway speaking. Doug: Hi, Carol, what's up? Carol: Hello, to you to Doug. What do you want? Doug: I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with my tomorrow? Carol: NO I WOULD NOT! You know I'm going out with John Taglieri. Doug: I was just wondering. Carol: Doug, get it into that small brain of yours, I don't like you anymore, and now I'm going out with John, I won't go out with you. She slams the phone back on the hook before Doug can say a word. 

March 9, 1994 

Life is no better. Doug still likes me. Mama, won't speak to me. I may lose my job. %*@$, this, SUCIDED WOULD BE EASIER! I think I know how, and when. 

Suicidal, Carol 

March 10, 1994 

Now do it and this HELL of a life will be over. Doug Ross, will he even miss me? He has another girl friend womanizing jerk. I cannot believe I thinking I am hurt any one cause no one cares. THEY ALL THINK I AM FINE. GOOFS. How, is Pills, Barbiturates. I can get them from work. I'll just slip them in my pocket. I started yesterday. I got two 10pill vials. When is St. Patrick's Day, by then, I'll have enough pills to kill my self. 

Sincerely, Carol 

March 11, 1994 I STILL HATE LIFE! I STILL HATE DOUG ROSS. I STILL HATE WORK. I STILL HATE MAMA. I STILL WANT TO DIE. So there is my plan, to go to work the 17th just like normal, then when I get home Carrie home or not I'll go to my room, and end it all. Tag, I must apologize to you now. I love you, but I cannot go on. 

Suicidal, Carol 

March 11, 1994, COOK COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL EMERCENGY ROOM, ADMIT DESK. "Darn, I forget my eye shadow," fusses nurse Lydia Wright. Carol hears her fussing and offers. "Hey, Lydia, go a head and use mine." "Your joking, right, letting someone use your make-up?" asks Lydia. "No, use the blue you really like." Mark walks by the desk and says we got a trauma coming in. 

" 29, female passed out in a local supermarket, LOC 10 min., complaining of sever lower back pain, and shortness of breath." "Okay, lets move her gently, on my count 1, 2, 3," orders Mark. " Let's get a CBC, Chem7, lytes. Ma'am what's your name?" "Ms. Kerry Weaver, M.D." "Ms. Weaver, you're a doctor do you know what is wrong?" "I have a new discovered syndrome call PPS, or Post-Polio Syndrome. "Okay, we want to make sure that is what it is, so were going to keep you a little while. We have you on acetaminophen for your back, so we'll move you to an exam room, and see what you tests say." 

March 12, 1994, CAROL'S DAIRY. 

March 12, 1994 

All is still on track. I still hate myself. I still hate Doug. I still will not speck to my mother. Work still sucks. I'm getting the pills. I'm sorry, guys, no I'm sorry, friends. I'm sorry. What can I say? I wish I could say this or tell you this in person, but I can't. I know you will miss me. Haleh, take care of the ER for me. Actually, I have trained you all well. You are the best staff. To the Doctors you are just as great (all but Douglas Ross). Mark, I know you will miss me. I am sorry it is not your fault. Susan, you are the best, as a friend and a colleague. Sorry, I cannot tell you. Jerry, my job would be so hard, and stressful without you 

I love you all, I know you will all miss me, but sorry. None of you, but Doug are to blame. Your friend, Carol 

March 13, 1994, COOK COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL'S EMERGENCY ROOM DRUG STORAGE " Carol, you seen they acetaminophen tabs?" asks Susan Lewis. "Do you need the 500mg, or the 800mg tabs?" "25mg, What you doing the 17th after work?" "I have plans," she answers. Knowing that if she is going to tell Susan that she is suicidal now is the time. "Okay, I thought you might like to go have a drink." "Wish I could, but I have plans with Doctor Taglieri." Carol lies, she cannot tell Susan, the true, no matter how much she wants to. " Okay, she you later," says Susan walking out with the pills. 

March 14, 1994, CAROL'S DIARY. 

March 14, 1994 

Mama's up so I have to be quiet, so I am writing. All is still in place only 4 days and I will by gone. I have 50 pills. You only need 30 to be in danger, 45 or more is OD. I know what will happen Carrie, my roommate, will hear me in my bag getting out the pills, then she will hear me collapse. She will rush in to make sure I am okay, but she will fine me unconscious. She will freak and call 911. I will be taken to the hospital; I should leave a note that says to take me to Mercy, not County. That way no overly heroic measures will take place and the question of 'Why?' will not be asked during treatment. The staff a county will fine out one of two ways. One Mama or Tag will call to inform the staff sadly, I killed myself. Two They will read the death notice in the paper. Carol Elizabeth Hathaway, 31. Head nurse at Cook County General Hospital's ER. Committed suicide last Night on St. Patrick's Day. Surviving her is her mother, Helen Hathaway. Viewing will be Monday 21. Funeral will be Tuesday 22 at St. Luke's Catholic Church at 10:30 A.M. I know this how it will be in the paper, but I am fine with it, as long as this life is over. Very suicidal, Carol 

March 15, 1994, DINNING ROOM OF John Taglieri's HOUSE 

"So how was work, baby?" he says leaning down to kiss Carol. "Stressful as always," sighs Carol. "Is there a problem, Carol?" he asks concerned. " Yeah, Doug's been hitting on me. I keep telling him I'm not interested, but he just won't listen." " Why don't you talk to Dr. Greene or Dr. Morgenstern about it?" suggests Tag. "Maybe I will." 

March 15,1994 I STILL HATE THE WORLD. I STILL HATE MY LIFE. I STILL HATE WORK. I STILL DOUG ROSS. I STILL HATE MY MAMA. I STILL WANT TO DIE. GOODBYE ALL, CAROL. 

March 16, 1994, CAROL'S DIARY 

March 16, 1994 

Tomorrow it is over. I will be gone. Yes!!!!! Sorry this is so hard to read I am on the EL coming home from work. I could not look any of the nurses in the eye, I guess I am a little guilty, but that won't stop me. I have the pills almost 60. I will grab one more vial in the morning, which will give me 70. My stop, have to go. Suicidal Carol 

March 16, 1994 continued 

Sorry did not get to finish writing earlier, but I had to run. I cannot believe one more day and it is over. No one has noticed how depressed I am, I know there has been signs, I am suicidal. Like giving up shifts, not making St. Patrick's Day plans, or letting the nurses use my make-up. Normally no one can even touch my make-up bag, let alone get in it, and use my make-up. I even offered to let Lydia Wright have the blue eye shadow. The one I know she loves. It is almost over. Soon to be gone Carol 

March, 17, 1994 

Today is the day, I am writing this before work I have let it all go I am ready to die. It seems to easy no one even suspects. Even if they do no one's confronted me. I t will all be over tonight. I am not sorry, it is the only way out. Bye, this is the last time I will write. Bye, guys, try to remember all the great things I did in life, not in death. God, take to heaven when I am gone. Sincerely Carol Elizabeth Hathaway Friend, Lover, Nurse, Daughter, and Person 

March 17, 1994, EL TRAINS GOING TO COOK COUNTY GENERAL 

Lydia Wright boards the train and takes a seat by Carol. "Morning, Carol." "Morning Lydia, how is Jessica?" asks Carol. "Fine, she's coming with my sister this weekend, so could I get Saturday off." "Yeah, I think Wendy wanted extra hours this week ask her if she'll work for you. You can tell her it is cleared with me." 

LATER IN THE LOUGE 

Carol: Something wrong? Benton: Oh you bet there is. We're out of coffee again because the nurse have been taking it, that's what's wrong. Carol: Well make some more. Benton: Make some more! We work 36 hours on, and 18 off which is 90 hours a week, 52 weeks a year for that we get paid $23,739 before taxes, and we also have to make coffee! Carol: My heart is breaking. Benton: Where's the filters? Mark: In the refrigerator. 

LATER AT THE ADMIT DESK. 

Doug: Carol, are you sure that you don't have a PKU card tucked away in that special stash of your? Carol: Like...this? Doug: I could always count on you, even if you do prefer football players. Carol: You had your chance. Doug: I was young...I was a fool. Carol: You're still a fool. Doug: You happen to know what is the worst pain medical specialty? Carol: Pediatrics? Doug: You were right the first time.  END OF CAROL'S SHIFT Carol: Bye, guys. 

[CAROL'S DIARY] MARCH 17, 1994 

March 17,1994, CAROL'S DIARY I had to write just one entry more. Guys, when you fine this read it, read it all. Then you will know what I am about to do is not your fault After all the nurses have read it, give it to mama or Dr. Taglieri. Good Bye. Your friend, Carol 

SUICIDE NOTE 

I am sorry. I do not mean to hurt any one. I wish to be taken to Mercy Hospital, and have measures take as if I am DNR. No machines, no drugs, nothing, just let it end. Goodbye all, Carol Elizabeth Hathaway. March 17,1994 

[CAROL'S POV] I close my diary then quietly get in my purse and get out the pills. I sit them on my dresser, and open them. Then I get out the bottle of liquor I have hidden. Vodka. I pick up the first bottle, take five, and wash them down with a sip of vodka. So easy, but the pain is still there, so I take a handful more, and another drink of liquor. Still the pain. So I take more, again and again, there are less and less pills. I grab some more, the pain is lessening. My world begins to spin; it will be over soon. [CARRIE'S POV (Carol's roommate)] I hear a thud, and call "Carol, what was that?" She does not answer. I scream "Carol! Carol! You okay?" she does not answer. I run to her room, she is on the floor so motionless, I cry, "Oh my God, Carol," and panic and call 911. 

[SHORTLY AFTER THE EMT CALL COMES INTO THE ER] Doug: Did you hear? Mark: Yeah, yeah she's on her way...It's never... Doug: How did this happen to her of all people? Mark: I don't know. 

[EMT'S RUSH IN WITH CAROL ON A STRETCHER] Nurse: Oh my God, it's Hathaway. 

[SHE IS RUSH TO A TRAUMA ROOM] Lydia: Why'd she do it? Mark: Doesn't matter why she did it, we don't ask that of any other OD, who comes thru those doors, we don't ask that of this one. 

[LATER TALKING WITH DAVID MORGANSTERN] Mark: It doesn't look hopeful but I think for the morale of the unit we've got to do everything and she was... is very popular. Morganstern: The unit's looking to you Mark, you set the tone. Mark: Yeah. Morganstern: She was one of us...well loved her... we worked with her, and now sometime has happened to her...it makes us feel guilty, it makes us feel angry... it scares the hell out of us, but we take care of her and we go with out jobs. Mark: Yeah. Maorganstern: You set the tone, Mark, you get the unit thru this 

[LATER THAT NIGHT MARK AND DOUG ARE TALKING] Doug: Boy, she really did it, didn't she? Mark: Yeah, she did. Doug: She seemed OK today. Mark: Yeah, she seemed fine. Doug: She was making joke...everything was great...she was funny...she was joking like always, she was funny. Mark: Get some coffee, Doug. 

[FLASH TO CAROL'S MOTHER'S DIRAY] I can't believe my baby did it, she tried to kill herself. She seemed fine, I never thought she was suicidal. She looks so innocent, but it's scary all the IV line, and wires, and tubes. They say all she has to do is wake up. They hope it will be tonight. It is hard, at least all the cards and flowers give the room a nice touch. I have told her about each one, I know she can hear me. In addition, Mark Greene and all the nurses have stopped to say Hi, and tell her to Get Well, and Come Back. I can tell they were not ready for this, and miss her. I hope she wakes up. 

[LATER SUSAN AND BENTON ARE TALKING] Bento: So how's Hathaway? Susan: I doesn't look good. 

March 18, 1994[THE NEXT DAY AT THE ADMIT DESK] Wendy: Lydia, where were you? Lydia: Up in the ICU with Carol. Wendy: well, how is she? Lydia: Not good, it seems easier to make someone believe it's all going to be fine if the can't read the charts, and monitors. Chuny: I know any other OD you see the chart, but not the person, you do not wonder why. Helah: I know. She was making jokes, and teasing Doug. Susan: We taking about Hathaway. Conni: Yeah. Susan: I know. She was teasing Benton about there not being any coffee. Jerry: And kissing Dr. Tag. Malik: I know. Mark: Come people, back to work. We have an ER to run with or without Miss Hathaway. All: Mark! Mark: I miss her too. I wish she hadn't done it also, but we have to get back on the ball, and hope she comes out of this okay. {He thinks 'I have to set the tone, I have to get the unit thur this, but they need time to talk, time to take it all in. I'll get the unit thru this.'} 

[LATER THAT DAY] Jerry (on the phone): Yes, hold on. Dr. Greene it's the ICU. Mark: Yes...okay...I understand...thanks. Susan: What's wrong? Mark: Page all on duty to the lounge. 

[IN THE LOUGE] Mark: Thank you all for coming. I just wish it were happier news. Wendy: What? Mark: About a ho...Hour ago Carol died. (Finally, Mark cries.) Lydia: Was she in pain? Mark: No, she went into cardiac arrest, and died, painlessly. 

[IN THE "CHICAGO TRIBUNE"] 

Carol Elizabeth Hathaway, 31 of the northside. Died last night at County General Hospital, after a suicide attempt yesterday night. Carol was Head Nurse in the ER at County General. She is survived by her mother Helen Hathaway. Viewing will be March 21, 7-9pm at Keller Funeral home. Funeral will be March 22, 10am at St. Luke's Catholic Church. 

[CAROL'S FUNERAL] 

Haleh stands, and sings. 

When you have no light to guide you And no one to walk to walk beside you I will come, Oh I will come to you When the night is dark and stormy You won't have to reach out for me. I will come to you Oh I will come to you Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days And you don't know how or why, but you've lost your way Have no fear when You tears fallin' I will hear your spirit callin' And I swear I'll be there come what may 

(Repeat Chorus) 

'Cause even if we can't be together We'll be friends now and forever And I swear that I'll be there come what may When the night is dark and stormy You won't have to reach out for me I will come to you Oh I will come to you We all need somebody we can turn to Someone who'll always understand So if you feel that your soul is dyin' And you need the strength to keep tryin' I'll reach out and take your hand 

(Repeat Chorus) 

She sits, crying softly. "We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Carol Elizabeth Hathaway. Carol was a friend, a nurse, a lover, and most of all a young women who died to young," speaks a priest. "Does anyone have anything they wish to share about Carol?" A man stands it is Mark Greene, "Carol Hathaway was a woman of great strength, she was in charge not only of the staff, but of her life. We may wonder what brought her to her tragic death, but, but..." Mark has to sit down cause he is crying so hard. Next Susan Lewis goes to speak. " Carol, was a friend and in the moment when she was brought into the ER. I knew by the look on her face she was in no pain, and that she was ready to die. I knew it was god's will that she die, painlessly, in that self induced coma." While each of the doctors and nurses, take a turn to say something about Carol. We see Doctor Douglas Ross, Carol's ex-boyfriend, and one of the major reasons she killed herself. He is in tears; he cannot find the courage to go into the church, so he just sits outside. 

In loving memory of Head Nurse Carol Elizabeth Hathaway. 

Carol Elizabeth Hathaway May 26, 1964 to March 18, 1994 A poor victim. Psalm 30:5b Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. 


End file.
